TAH DAH!!!!

So here I am!!! My first blog. I became inspired by reading my stepsister and stepbrother-in-laws blogs. I thought,"Hey why not!!" So as my kindergartners would say, "Tah Dah!!!" So, lets see what is on my mind this evening................

To start off: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! For the first time in such a long time I felt indifferent about Christmas. People who know me, know that I freakin' love Christmas!!! But this year there was just something different about it all. I've been spending the past few days trying to pinpoint where my love for Christmas has gone and I think I might have pinpointed the problem. Emptiness........ Yes, I have been feeling empty. Let me back track and start from the beginning.

This past summer was my first summer in a long time that I didn't have much planned. I wasn't moving, getting married, or working. Most people would think, "SWEEETTTTT!" But, that also meant a whole lot of free time and free time in my world means a ton of thinking!!!! :)LOL I've been feeling like there has been something missing in my life. I just couldn't pinpoint it. Perhaps I'm suppose to do something more than working with special needs children??? And then it hit me like a ton of bricks, Jesus was missing from my life.

So, now we are up to August when my world sort of turned upside down and my faith definitely has been challenged. My step Uncle Mike was diagnosed with cancer and before I knew it Labor Day weekend was here and my step sister was on the phone telling me that everyone was at Toledo Hospital. My grandma always said, "Things happen for a reason Maegan. No matter what, God has a plan." But I still have to ask why??? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Right after Mike died, I decided to go back to church and really do some soul searching. My good friends invited me to attend their church service. They thought I would enjoy it because it was a mass for teens and not the typical catholic mass. Well, it was pretty neat and I really enjoyed the band and the music. I went back for another mass and even helped out with the youth group after mass.

Ahhhh the youth group. It brought back a lot of memories from my high school years. We had an open question session with the priest and that is when things really went downhill. I wasn't agreeing with his answers. I was really flustered because I didn't fell that I could be a part of a group, especially as a leader, if I didn't believe what was being said. Now, some may feel that this is funny, but at the time and still is quite serious for me. The question was, "Will my dog go to heaven." The response is, "No, animals do not have a soul." The second question, "How do I get to heaven?" The response is, "By believing in Jesus and going to church." HOLY CRAP!!! Again, the panicing because as we all know my husband doesn't go to church and I've tried to get him to go and its just not his thing. So now I'm thinking, "Ok, first my dog won't be there in heaven and now my husband may not go." I came home that night really struggling with my faith.

The next weekend I went to the camp grounds for the first time after Mike died and began a quite instense conversation with my dad. The What Ifs really came out. What if there really is no heaven? How do we know that we will go to heaven after we die? If God is so great then why does he pick people to suffer or end their life early?? Well, the list goes on and on.

I came to the conclusion that perhaps the Catholic faith isn't for me. So here I am, still lost and really don't know what to do. Do I believe in God?? Yes. But where do I stand in my faith? I have no idea. So if anyone has any ideas on faith could you please help me? Today is Jesus' birthday and I feel like a lost puppy. I am so confused and I still have that void inside of me. If Catholicism isn't for me, then what church is for me?????